


Flame of Love

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Extramarital Affairs, Flirting, From Sex to Love, Hurt, M/M, Oral Sex, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:52:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He felt a sharp pain in his chest.Because while he was wearing his wedding band again, he couldn’t help but think about the feeling of Inoo Kei’s skin on his own.





	1. Fighting for my Heart

Hikaru looked around, bored.

He didn’t know how he had ended up there. He didn’t know what he was doing, with all those people calling him ‘friend’, drunk as sailors.

His co-worker was going to get married in two days, and he had been invited to the bachelor party.

For the whole evening he had sat in a corner, looking at them drinking, screaming, hitting on the poor waitresses, groom-to-be included.

He would’ve commented about the fact that in forty-eight hours he was going to be bound for life, and that he didn’t think he should’ve been there harassing other girls, but he kept quiet.

It would’ve had no use to argue when they were in that wretched state.

And anyway, he was the last one who could’ve meddled about the management of the perfect married life.

He started again at the martini in his hands, trying to convince himself to drink it and order another, hoping that alcohol would’ve helped him getting more into the whole thing.

But there was something holding him back.

An hour ago, a group of guys about his age had entered the bar.

They had sat at a table close to the counter, where he was sitting.

One of them, he had noticed, didn’t tear his eyes off of him.

He was young, he deemed, but no more than a couple of years younger than him.

He didn’t allow himself to linger too much with his eyes on him, but still he thought he was particularly good looking.

He felt his dark eyes on him, and shivered.

He wanted to get up and ask him what was he looking at, but he didn’t trust his voice enough, not right now.

And anyway, he couldn’t deny it, he liked that look.

He liked to be subject to the attentions of that stranger, he liked having his eyes on, he liked to imagine what he was thinking right now.

He glimpsed at his co-workers, then back to the stranger, and saw him chuckling.

He slowly stood up from the stool, far from the others, and leant toward Takaki, the only one who seemed to be, if not clear-headed, at least in his right mind.

“I’m going to have a smoke, Yuuyan.” he said, loud enough for him to hear.

“Want me to come with?” the other asked, raising an eyebrow, begging.

Hikaru glimpsed at his back, as if to check the boy was still there.

“Pass, thanks. You stay here and have fun, I’ll be back in ten tops.” he said, smiling almost mischievously, grabbing his jacket and getting out of the bar, without giving Takaki time to answer.

Once outside, he lit up the cigarette and waited.

He knew those kind of looks, he knew what they led to.

He knew he wasn’t going to have to wait long.

And as a matter of fact, a few minutes later the door opened.

He smiled, taking advantage of the proximity and the clear light coming from the street to get a better look at him.

He hadn’t been wrong.

His features were delicate, pleasant. His eyes were small and long, dark, deep, equipped with eyebrows arched in an amused expression.

Hikaru lingered on his lips for a moment, and shivered.

He shouldn’t have thought about that, he was sure.

“Were you waiting for me?” the stranger asked, smiling.

“What makes you believe that?” he replied, taking a hit off the cigarette and trying to sound indifferent.

“You’ve looked at me before getting out, I thought it was a hint. But if I’m wrong, then I’ll go back inside.” he said, teasing.

Hikaru hesitated for a moment.

He should’ve told him to do that, both to keep a minimum of dignity and because it was the right thing to do.

But there was something in him attracting him; he couldn’t say why, but he didn’t want him to go back, didn’t want him to leave.

He sighed, shaking his head.

“No one forces you to go back.” he tried, hoping that the other wasn’t going to insist further.

He wasn’t so lucky.

“Then ask me to stay.” he said, a vaguely alluring smile.

Hikaru bit his tongue, cursing him.

It wasn’t normal.

It wasn’t normal to talk to a stranger like that, nor the behaviour they both showed, and it wasn’t normal for him to feel so attracted.

“Stay.” he muttered in the end. He grabbed his cigarettes from his pocket and handed it to him. “Want one?” he asked to try and get rid of the awkwardness.

The other laughed and nodded, taking a cigarette and lighting it up.

Again, Hikaru’s eyes lingered on those lips while the filter touched them, while the breathed in, while they let the smoke out.

He felt his breath become faster and, again, he averted his eyes to bring them back on his.

“Yaotome Hikaru.” he introduced himself, realizing just then that he didn’t even know his name.

“Inoo Kei.” the other said distractedly, still looking at him. “So?” he asked then, raising an eyebrow.

“So what?”

“Did you have something in mind?” he asked, and Hikaru already felt confused by him.

He opened his eyes wide, shrugging as to say he had no idea of what he wanted to hear from him.

He saw him laugh, then all of a sudden he grabbed his wrist, looking at the time on his watch.

As soon as he did that Hikaru pulled away, as if the other’s skin was burning.

As if, after such a small touch, his own was burning too.

“It’s just midnight. We could go somewhere, don’t you think so?” he asked, at ease.

Hikaru hesitated.

He would’ve lied if he had said it didn’t intrigue him.

But, thinking about the situation he was in, he had least had the decency to realize that amongst all the bad decisions of that night, accepting this would’ve been the worst.

“I’m sorry, but I’m with my co-workers. It’s a bachelor party, I can’t leave now.” he explain, doing nothing to hide the disappointment in his voice.

Kei nodded, as to say he understood.

Then he took a card out of his pocket, handing it to him.

Hikaru looked at it for a moment, smiling.

“Photographer?” he asked then, not really surprised.

Looking at him, it seemed like a fitting job.

“I fiddle around with it, yes.” the other brushed aside, then he waited. In the end, realizing he wasn’t going to get anything from him without asking directly he smiled, mischievous. “If we go back inside now, you’ll be back to your co-workers and I to my friends, you’ll spend the rest of the night convincing yourself that even just talking to me is been a big mistake, and you’re never going to call me.” he reached out his hand. “Your card, please.” he added then.

Hikaru blushed, but he couldn’t deny he was right.

He took his card out of his wallet, hesitating while handing it to him.

As soon as he read it, Kei sighed.

“Bank clerk, uh?” he said, friendly patting his shoulder. Hikaru fidgeted again. “Then I’d say you have an utter need of enjoying your life a little.” he mocked him a little, provoking him.

Yaotome scoffed, getting away from his touch.

“What, do you think I spend the whole day behind a desk with a pinstripe suit and my tie so tight to choke me? It’s what I do, it’s not what I am.” he replied, trying to look dignified.

Inoo burst out laughing. He stared at him for a few seconds, then he got even closer.

Too much for Hikaru’s likings, and he seemed to start having some trouble breathing.

Inoo brought his hand to the knot in his tie, definitely too tight, loosening it a little.

Then he brought a hand around his neck, pulling him closer and pressing their lips together.

It was just a few seconds, then he pulled away and licked his lower lip, thoughtful.

“I thought bank clerks tasted bad, but apparently I was wrong.” he said, smiling satisfied. Hikaru saw him threw the stub on the ground and crush it under his feet, before going back toward the door. “So, I’ll call you... Hikaru.” he added, getting back inside.

The other stayed very still.

Then, slowly, he brought his hand to his lips.

He wished he could’ve avoided smiling, because he knew he shouldn’t have, but he couldn’t.

He smiled, because the feeling of his touch on him, of the skin of his hands still seemingly burning on him, of his kiss, had left on him something he hadn’t felt in a really long time.

He smiled, because he had liked Inoo Kei’s taste, and he was sure he could’ve gotten used to that.

He stopped smiling, because he knew it was just a nice fantasy, that wasn’t going to become reality.

And yet, he had had his five minutes of glory, and for that night it looked like a pretty good result.

 

~

 

He went back home over two hours later.

Once gotten back inside the bar, Inoo had avoided his stare, and so had he.

Neither had shown what had just happened.

Takaki had looked confusedly at him, asking a few times what was going on, but he had refused to give him an explanation.

It wasn’t necessary for him to know and, even if he had wanted to let him know what had happened in the past minutes, he wouldn’t have known what to say.

In front of the door to his apartment, he sighed.

He didn’t want to go back.

He wished he could’ve taken the card that was still in his pocket, grab his phone and dial the number, without thinking about what he would’ve said if Inoo would’ve picked up.

_I thought bank clerks tasted bad, but apparently I was wrong._

He smiled.

He quickly put a hand in his pocket, determined to follow that moment of madness that would’ve really brought him to call him.

He really would’ve done that, hadn’t his hand found first something he had tried to forget about for the whole night.

He sighed.

He felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Because while he was wearing his wedding band again, he couldn’t help but think about the feeling of Inoo Kei’s skin on his own.

 


	2. Nazuru Samayoi Mayou (Betraying, wandering, losing myself)

Inoo had called that morning.

“It took you two whole days... you seemed to excited at the idea of calling me that I thought you would’ve done that as soon as you’d gotten home.” he said, low, trying not to be heard by anyone.

He was at the bank, in one of the hallways, and as deserted as it was he didn’t want to risk it.

Kei, at the other end of the phone, had laughed.

“I would’ve, but for a while I’ve deluded myself into thinking you would’ve called. I would’ve waited until tomorrow, but this morning I was done early with work and I found myself with nothing to do, my phone in my hands and wanting to call you.” he replied, holding nothing back.

That had fascinated Hikaru too.

He had this ability of calling things what they were, without feeling the need to mask them with those obligations imposed by morality or society.

He smiled, thinking that the two of them couldn’t have been more different.

“So... were you planning on telling me something, once I would’ve called?” he insisted, still repeating in his mind that he should’ve cut this off before it got to a dangerous ground.

“Of course. I had a perfectly laid plan. You would’ve told me that since the other night you couldn’t help but thinking about me, and I would’ve played it shy, then I would’ve told you I’ve been thinking about you as well. Not too much, enough to make me feel like calling you. Oh, and then I would’ve accepted straight away when you’d have suggested we met today.” he finished, and Hikaru could imagine him perfectly with a sly smile, his eyebrows raised, while he waited for an answer.

And as much as he wanted to prove him wrong, once again he couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you. How can I be forgiven?” he asked, allusive.

“You can ask me out to lunch. And then you can spend the afternoon with me. Do you have to work?” he asked, straightforward.

“No, I’ll be done at about one. Where can we meet?”

They made plans quickly, then they hanged up.

Kei had left him off with a _I can’t wait_ of little misunderstandable implications.

And Hikaru, for what it seemed like the billionth time, told himself there was nothing wrong with meeting him, that it meant nothing, that it was just lunch.

And yet, he knew; he knew how he felt, he knew what illusion he was building around himself, he knew the other was spinning a web on him and that he would’ve willingly let him.

And he knew he couldn’t wait as well, and that thought scared him a little.

 

~

 

Hikaru moaned.

Kei’s tongue around his cock was definitely going to drive him mad.

He brought a hand through his hair, pulling on them, trying in vain to dictate the pace.

He should’ve known the other wasn’t going to let him.

Inoo brought his hands to his hips, lasciviously running his tongue over his whole lengths, keeping him still, exasperating him.

When in the end he pulled up, slowly enough to make him wish he wasn’t going to, Hikaru saw him smiling triumphantly.

He sat on the bed, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him until his back was against the mattress.

“Don’t tease.” he whispered, moving his mouth to his chest, softly biting on a nipple.

Kei moaned, but then he smiled again.

“But it works, doesn’t it?” he asked, thrusting his hips up toward the elder’s hands, which were slowly stroking his cock, then moving to his entrance.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow, and while he let the first finger slip inside he nodded.

“It works alright.” he whispered, moving his hand fast, adding a second and a third finger, going to silence his moans with his mouth.

When he deemed him ready he had him open his legs more, settling between them and pushing against him.

He looked at him for a few seconds.

It was impossible, he thought, to be so attracted by that this boy he barely knew.

But it wasn’t time to play games anymore, it wasn’t time to pretend he wasn’t, it wasn’t time to delude himself.

He pushed inside of him, his movement almost brutal, as if he wanted to make him regret being so beautiful, so desirable.

As if it was his fault.

He moved inside of him at a quick pace, sinking his face in the crook of his neck, Kei’s moans in his ear and his smell in his nostrils, and it seemed like he couldn’t get enough, as if the scent of that skin could overcome that of the anonymous love hotel they were at, a thing that made him feel more than uncomfortable.

He needed to feel him close, and it was a need he couldn’t explain nor control.

He felt him claw at his back, and that drove him to thrust even more brutally inside of him, feeling close to reaching his limit.

He brought his hand between their bodies, wrapping it around his impossibly hard cock and stroking it in time with his thrusts.

It didn’t take Kei long to come, arching his back, meeting his body, trying to choke a moan against his shoulder.

Hikaru felt his body get even tighter around him, and he was just about to come when the younger pulled away from under him, swiftly.

He groaned out loud, glaring.

“What the...” he started to say, but the other didn’t let him finish.

He pushed him against the bed, getting back on top of him and bringing his mouth back on his cock.

Hikaru stopped complaining immediately.

He thrust his hips against him, as if he couldn’t get enough of the feeling of his mouth and his tongue.

He came a few minutes after; he rested a hand on the back of his head, getting him as close as possible as he came inside his mouth.

When he loosened the grip he saw him getting back up and look at him, smiling while he brushed his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I’ve had all the confirmation I needed; you bank clerks don’t taste bad at all.” he said, raising an eyebrow.

Hikaru wished he would’ve had a proper comeback.

He wished he could’ve said anything at all, anything but staying there, looking at Kei as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

But right then, it was how he felt.

He wished he could’ve stayed in that room forever, with him, without having to think about what was happening beyond that door, without thinking he had someone waiting for him at home.

Without thinking about anything, basking in the illusion that what he was doing was right.

Even when he knew it wasn’t.

He suddenly felt panic coming.

What was he doing?

Why had it been so hard to escape that boy’s advances, why hadn’t he been able to tell him no, why did he feel so damn attracted by him?

He sat up quickly, pulling the sheets around his hips, looking at Kei as the stranger he actually was.

He wanted to close his eyes and, once open, find out it had all been a figment of his imagination.

He knew he was going to be disappointed, but after all it was what he deserved.

Inoo raised an eyebrow toward him, confused by that sudden change in behaviour.

“What is it?” he asked, getting slowly closer and brushing his forearm with his fingertips.

Hikaru took a deep breath.

He should’ve gotten up.

Getting up from that bed, getting dressed, back home and not think about him anymore.

Break that illusion, because he knew that this wasn’t his place, not next to him, not in that bed, in that love hotel that now looked even more squalid.

He should’ve.

“I’m married.” he whispered, without the courage of looking him in the eyes.

The following silence hurt more than he would’ve expected.

He didn’t dare looking at Kei, afraid to find disgust on his face.

They both kept quiet for a time that seemed endless.

And, in the end, Kei burst out laughing.

He laughed, till he almost cried.

He threw himself on the bed, bringing a hand over his face.

Hikaru seriously believed he was crazy.

Once Inoo had recovered, he looked at the elder, his eyes too serious to match the reaction he had just had.

“Married, uh?” he repeated, as if he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. “And isn’t that a thing to reveal after a months-long tormented relationship? When I start wondering what is it that you do when we’re not together, and you make up lies to justify yourself when you’re with your wife at night and you can’t answer my calls?” he mocked him, but didn’t lose that polite expression. “If you say that so soon, after the first time we have sex, the new kind of loses its pathos.” he said, shrugging.

Yaotome raised an eyebrow, staring at him.

He didn’t know what to say of such a reaction.

A few nights ago, going back home and lying next to Mitsuko, his wife, had been horribly difficult.

He had felt a stranger in that bed, in that house, for that woman... he always had, but never like that.

He had spent the past two days pondering about it, about what to say to Inoo if he would’ve called, and getting that weight off his mind had made him  feel better.

His reaction, anyway, made him feel incredibly stupid.

“So you don’t care that I’m married?” he asked, his voice feeble.

Kei tilted his head.

“If you want me to care, I will. But... I won’t let a wedding band you’re not wearing stop me, Hikaru.” he said, simple as that.

“And you don’t care to know why I’m here with you now? Why have I married a woman, when I’d say it’s obvious I like men? Why have I told you I’m married when I could’ve just kept it from you?” he asked, his voice louder, as if indignant from his lack of indignation.

“We’ve been known each other for three days, Hikaru. This is the second time we meet, and you’ve slept with me.” he summarized. “I’m interested in you and you’re interested in him, or we would’ve still been at that restaurant making small talk. And I want to keep seeing you, if that’s what you want as well.” he smiled, encouraging. “For explanations, there’s going to be time. Don’t you think so?” he finished, shrugging.

Hikaru took a deep breath.

Once, twice, thrice.

He wished Inoo hadn’t been so confident about this.

That he would’ve doubted, a little scared, just like he was.

That he would’ve told him that was cheating, that it wasn’t right for him to be there. That he was disgusted by what he had done.

But Kei seemed to perfectly embody that illusion he wanted to live. As if he had been tailor-made for him, it suited him completely.

And Hikaru couldn’t reply.

He laid down, letting the other wrap his arm around his hips, resting his head on his chest.

He kept thinking he should’ve run, but there was something keeping him chained to that body, to that smell, to that feeling of happiness irradiating from the younger.

And he knew he could’ve truly been happy with him, if only they hadn’t met at the wrong time and in the wrong context.

But Kei was right.

As wrong as it was, he wasn’t going to back off.

And for recriminations and pain, there was still time.


	3. Donna Toki mo Chansu wa Aru (There's always a chance, wherever it is)

How a fling had turned into a relationship, Hikaru could explain only with Inoo’s nature.

Because it was impossible for him to resist him, impossible to tell him no, impossible to deny him anything.

For the first weeks, every time they met he told himself it was the last one, that he was never going back to that apartment, which was now more familiar to him than his own home, that he wasn’t going to go further with him.

And by dint of last times, months had gone by, and once again he was naked next to him, the room smelling of sweat and sex.

With Kei he felt always new sensations, unknown to him to that point; all those he had forbidden himself years before, and that he had never felt, for sure not with Mitsuko.

Thinking about it, three years from their wedding, he couldn’t say exactly why he had married her.

He was twenty, and he was already too old to hide behind his own lies.

He knew he liked men far more than he did women, but he had always tried not to think about it.

He spent his days with friends, commenting girls with them, making up experienced he had never had, trying to go with the flow.

He knew he was lying, but back then it came natural to him.

When he even just dared to think about confessing to his likings, horror consumed him.

He saw himself being disowned by his parents and his friends, he saw himself being treated like an outcast, he saw himself alone, abandoned by everyone, and he was sure he wouldn’t have stood it.

That was why, perhaps, his wedding had been so precocious.

He had been dating Mitsuko for a few months when he had asked her to marry him, hoping that putting a ring on his finger would’ve tamed his instinct, would’ve made him a different man, that it would’ve silences that voice in his head screaming that that wasn’t him, that he was different, and that during all those years he had just tried to suffocate that part of himself he was ashamed of.

He had been wrong, anyway.

His everyday life had become a slow agony.

He went back every night without really wishing to do so, he laid next to Mitsuko in bed and he wondered what was still keeping him here.

And every time he answered to himself that it was always that fear, that which had never left him, guiding all of his actions.

And he silenced that nausea and disgust for himself, and kept walking down his road, even though it didn’t really belong to him.

With Kei, it was different.

With Kei his fear was starting to fade, and his smiles were finally sincere, with him he felt as if he was finally breathing for real after years in a cage.

With Kei he was happy, and little mattered if that happiness was circumscribed to moments he stole from his life. What mattered was to feel it, when he was with him.

He turned to the other side of the bed to check if the younger was sleeping.

That morning, he had gone to his house early.

He had woken him up, he had gotten inside his apartment and had literally jumped him.

Kei hadn’t been bothered by it.

He knew as well as him how those moments could be over without them realizing it, so he tried to get the best he could out of them, without considering sleep or other necessities in front of the perspective of being together.

He was awake. He looked at him behind half-closed eyelids, as if he was about to give in to tiredness.

Hikaru smiled to him, getting closer and wrapping his arm around his shoulders, pressing his lips on his.

“When do you have to go?” the younger asked, raising his eyebrows in an hopeful expression.

“I’ve got nothing to do today. Yesterday I’ve cleared all my backlog, so I don’t have to go to work. If you’re free as well, we can also be together till tonight.” he said, smiling.

Kei didn’t smile back.

“And what did you say to your wife?” he asked, wincing.

Yaotome sighed, because he was expecting this question, even though he had hoped it wasn’t coming.

In the beginning Inoo hadn’t cared too much about the fact that he was married.

He had ignored that detail as if it was unimportant, he never asked questions, he just called and asked if he was free or not, never investigating further when Hikaru said he wasn’t.

But things between them had gotten more serious than both had expected, and questions had arrived in the end.

He had started with some witty allusions.

Then one night he had asked what was the point of not wearing his ring, since he knew the truth, and had accused him of lying to himself.

It had been the first time they had fought, and the first time Hikaru had realized how things between them were evolving, how Kei looked more and more like a boyfriend rather than a lover.

“Does it matter what I told her, Kei?” he asked, exasperated, loosening his grip on him.

The younger sat up, brushing a hand over his eyes to make tiredness go away.

“I don’t know what matters. I just know that...” he sighed. “I wish things were different.” he murmured in the end, turning on the other side so that he wasn’t going to be forced to look at him.

Hikaru got close to him again, hugging him from behind and resting his forehead against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry it has to be like this, Kei. I wish I could give you more. I wish I could tell you I can fix it, but...” he delicately took his face in his hand, making him turn his head. “But I love you, Kei. I love you, and I promise I’ll find a solution. I’ll find it in my life and I’ll find it for Mitsuko. I just need some time.” he said, pleading.

Inoo pushed the hand away from his face, getting up and staying still at the end of the bed, looking at him.

“Oh come on, Hikaru! I’m not some girl you have to lie to to make her feel better. One always says stuff like that under these circumstances, right? Tomorrow, the day after that, the one after that... you keep promising him you’re going to leave that home and I keep waiting for you.” he paused, briefly closing his eyes. “Time, Hikka? What use do I have for the word ‘time’?” he sat on the parquet, crossing his leg and keeping his face up on his hands. “I’m tired of waiting and I’m tired of your words. Did you say you love me? Then prove it to me.” he said, looking grave.

Hikaru moved on the bed, sitting on the edge and reaching out his hand to caress his face.

The other didn’t move away, and it was enough to make him feel more hopeful, even if just a little.

“You want me to tell her, don’t you? You want me to tell Mitsuko about me and you, and leave her. It’s what I want too. No, I really wish I never married her. But... it’s not her fault if I can’t love her. It’s not her fault I’m in love with you, it’s not her fault I married her for all the wrong reasons. I just want to make her suffer as little as possible.” he murmured, aware of how little worth his words had right now.

Kei raised an eyebrow, still looking dead serious.

“Don’t dump your cowardice on me then, like you’ve done with her. Because the problem here it’s not your marriage, the problem is that you’ve pretended for years to be someone you’re not, and now you’re paying the consequences.” he said, straightforward. “You’ve been afraid of other people’s judgement, and so you’ve bounded yourself to an existence that doesn’t belong to you. You’ve had to make a choice and you should’ve stuck to that, bearing everything that was coming, because you knew what was waiting for you.” he put his hand over the elder’s, holding it tight. “But now you’re here with me, aren’t you? You’ve decided to loosen those chains, but you still can’t break them. And what pains me the most is that despite the fact that you keep promising and then doing nothing, I know I’m not able to leave, not indefinitely.” he said, and Hikaru saw sadness take the place of anger in his voice.

He sat on the floor next to him and hugged him, keeping him close.

“I’m sorry, Kei. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” he repeated, as if there was nothing else he could say.

Because there was nothing else to say.

Because he was right, about everything.

He had lied to himself, but he couldn’t lie to him.

He wished he could’ve gone back home, be clear with Mitsuko, take his stuff and go back to that apartment, there where his true home was.

With the person he loved and who loved him.

With the person who among all had been able to awaken in him something he had carefully buried deep inside.

With that someone who was now looking at him in pain, and the mere thought of being the reason for that pain made him feel even worse than he could’ve imagined.

He felt him cry against his shoulder. He felt his tears soak his skin, he felt them become a part of him.

He held him closer, as if he wanted to suffocate them.

“You’ve got your time, Hikka.” he said then, his voice trembling. “You’ve got time to put an order to your life, you’ve got time to decide if being with me is worth turning your back to the whole lie you’ve built.” he murmured, then loosened the hug and looked him straight in the eyes. “But I don’t want to see you until you’ve made your choice. I don’t want you to come here whenever you’ve got time to spare, I don’t want to be in the same bed with you, I don’t want to spend my days waiting for your call, hoping to hear your voice.” he swallowed, distractedly drying up his tears and standing up. “I want that the next time we’ll meet you’ll be able to tell me if you want this life or you want me. Until then...” he averted his eyes from him, staring at the blank spot behind him. “Let me live my life, let me convince myself that I can go on even without you. Let me get used to your absence, because I love you, but I don’t trust what you’re going to choose.” he said, getting close to the window and looking outside.

Hikaru stayed still for a while.

Perhaps he had hoped that this brief pause would’ve been enough for him to regret what he had said and go back to him, hugging him, telling him he couldn’t stay away from him.

His hope lasted only a few seconds, and in the end he had to surrender.

He picked up his clothes from the floor, wearing them quickly.

He stopped to look at him a little while longer, but it didn’t seem like the younger was expecting for him to say something.

He got out the room, the apartment, and once he did he felt like slipping into an abyss.

Not all was lost.

Kei had given him a choice.

Thinking about it now, he would’ve said he couldn’t stand that void inside given from his absence.

Back home, he was sure the fear persecuting him was there waiting, and he knew that once again he would’ve lingered in his inertia, passively letting his life go away, like he had done for all these years.

Kei had told him to make a choice.

And he saw his time starting to run out, and was in front of yet another bifurcation.

Chasing after him, pushing him to take one or the other path, there was his love for Kei.

It seemed simple, it _was_ simple to choose where to go.

But he still was afraid, and he had no time to overcome that.


	4. Shizuka na Yoru ni (In this silent night)

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks, and Hikaru had lost count of the times he had thought about calling Kei, of the nights he had woken up sure that he was next to him, of the moments during the day where the thought of not being able to see him made him feel horribly empty.

He missed Kei.

He missed him terribly, more than he would’ve expected.

And yet, despite everything, he still couldn’t make a decision.

Every night he went back home, he looked Mitsuko in the eyes and thought that he should’ve told her how things were, that he should’ve told her about his relationship with Inoo, about why he had married her, about everything he had kept from her during the years.

And, each time, he kept quiet.

Without the excuse of Kei to get out, he had holed himself up among those walls, and he had found out he didn’t know them at all, he had found out how much of a stranger he was there.

He had found out where his place was, and the fact that he couldn’t go there because of his own limitation and his own cowardice was slowly killing him.

A few days before, he had called Kei.

He hadn’t made it, and he hoped the other would’ve caved, that he would’ve told him it didn’t matter how long he was going to wait, that he wanted to see him.

He hadn’t been so lucky.

He hadn’t liked his voice, not at all.

Kei had asked him if he had made a choice, and once he had started explaining his reasons he had interrupted him straight away.

_Then why did you call?_

Because he wanted to hear his voice.

Because he needed to tell him he loved him.

Because he wanted to know if he missed him too, as if he didn’t have enough air to breath, as if his presence had become necessary to live.

He had said nothing of that, because the younger would’ve thought they were more excuses.

He had apologised, and then he had hanged up.

And now, days from that, he regretted not having said more, not having tried to face his stubbornness, no matter how justified it was.

He had given up too many times in his life, but he recognized there were things he wasn’t willing to relinquish.

Kei was one of those.

He was sitting at a bar, alone.

He had finished working late that night, and his lack of desire to go back home had never been so strong.

He had drunk, a lot.

He had put his phone down on the counter, watching it while the display lit up and Mitsuko’s number appeared.

He wasn’t going to pick up.

He imagined her at home, worried, and felt slightly guilty, but guilt was something he was used to by now.

He sent her an e-mail in the end, telling her that he wasn’t coming back home for the night.

He didn’t give explanations nor he replied to the following e-mails asking for those.

He didn’t know what he was going to do, he just knew that his skin was tired of those sheets that didn’t smell like Kei, that his hands missed touching him, that his whole body _physically_ needed him, and that when he was at his house the boy’s presence always seemed the most distant.

He kept drinking, trying to drown in the alcohol that insatiable need to see him, but it took him too long to realize that it only made it worse.

He got up, feeling his legs trying to give out on him.

His phone kept lighting up, showing him e-mails and calls.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He turned it off, slipping it inside his pocket and trying to forget about Mitsuko, about the fact that she was worried... about her whole existence.

He went out of the bar and walked for a long time.

He would’ve said it was aimlessly, but when he found himself close to where Kei lived he knew it was exactly there he was going.

He rang the intercom, and waited.

It was one in the morning, he should’ve been home.

And even if he wasn’t, he would’ve stayed there waiting for him. It’s not like he had place to go back to.

 _“Who is it?”_ he heard the metallic voice asking, and his heart skipped a beat.

“Kei...” he slurred.

There was a pause that seemed to last an eternity, before the other spoke again.

“ _Hikka?_ ” he murmured, barely audible, and Hikaru couldn’t say what it expressed.

“Let me in, Kei. Please.”

Another pause.

Then he thought he heard a sigh, before the front door opened.

Relieved, he went in and quickly climbed the stairs.

When he arrived to the boy’s floor he found him there, waiting on the doorstep.

He fidgeted. He was even more beautiful than he remembered.

The thought of having missed that for two weeks made him almost feel sick, but he tried to get a grip.

He was there, in front of him.

There where he could’ve touched him, there where he could’ve hugged him, kiss him, tell him he had missed him and that he never wanted to leave him again.

He got closer, slowly, touching his arm as if to ascertain he was real.

He was.

He was real, his frown was real, his silence was real.

Hikaru wished he would’ve been happy to see him, but he couldn’t demand as much.

He knew his mistakes all too well.

“Hi, Kei.” he whispered, closing his eyes and testing the texture of the skin under his hands.

He had only a few seconds to do so, before the other pulled away from the touch.

“What are you doing here, Hikka?” he asked, his voice neutral.

“I... I needed to see you. I needed it, Kei, do you realize that? You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” he told him, and he couldn’t hide his frustration.

The younger bit his lip, before moving from the doorframe.

“You’re drunk. Come in.”

Hikaru stepped in the apartment, breathing in deeply.

Alongside Kei, he had missed that home too.

He had missed how familiar it felt, how protected and safe it seemed to be inside those walls, like it didn’t anywhere else in the world.

Inoo kept staring at him, quiet.

Then he went toward the kitchen, sighing.

“I’m making some coffee, let’s try to sober you up.” he murmured, resigned.

The elder followed him, slightly discouraged by that apparent lack of a reaction.

Not that he had expected to be welcomed with open arms, but he didn’t like at all that detached behaviour of his.

While the other went to the coffee maker, he went behind his back, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his forehead against the back of his neck, breathing in his scent.

“I can’t be without you, Kei.” he whispered, waiting for him to say something, anything at all.

“Why are you here, Hikaru?” he younger asked, without moving. “Did you make your decision? Or are you just seeking shelter here because you can’t choose, because once again you don’t have the courage to do so?” he accused him, and those words hurt more than his silence.

And yet he knew. He knew he was going to say it, because Kei had never hidden how he felt, he knew he would’ve told them because they were the truth.

A truth he couldn’t surrender to yet.

“I’m here because these past days have been hell. Because I can’t stand the thought of not having you. Because I love you, Kei, I love you more than you can imagine.” he loosened his hold on him, taking the ring off his finger and throwing it in a corner. “I’m back because my damn life is pointless, if you’re not in it.” he said, biting his lip and staring at him.

Once again, the younger didn’t seem to react in any significant way.

He just went to pick the ring up, looking at it thoughtfully.

“You stink of alcohol, Hikaru. Tomorrow morning you’d regret not finding it, we both know that.” he said, letting it slip in the elder’s hands.

Yaotome got irritated by that.

He put the ring on the table behind him, then he went closer to Kei, his hands on his hips.

“I’m drunk enough that I had no doubts about coming here, despite the fact that I still haven’t found the courage to leave Mitsuko. But I’m not so drunk as to not know what I want.” he told him, the steadiest voice he could’ve used.

Then he kissed him, both because he wanted to and because he couldn’t stand his silence anymore.

Inoo let him, passively.

The elder’s hands went up under his shirt, taking it off quickly.

Hikaru kept watching him for a while, his breath quick.

He had almost forgotten how he looked.

He started kissing him again, moving to his throat, lasciviously licking his collarbone, then ending up on a nipple, biting it, kissing it, tasting that skin to rediscover its flavour.

And, once again, he felt home.

He knelt in front of him, slowly taking his briefs off, never tearing his eyes off of him.

Kei looked at him with no sentiment at all, but wasn’t rejecting him.

He wasn’t saying a word.

Even more bothered by that silence, Hikaru brought a hand to the younger’s cock, finding him half-hard already.

He smirked at the thought that his body didn’t agree with his lack of reaction.

His mouth joined his hand, and he started sucking him unceremoniously, licking the whole shaft and amusing himself when he saw him bite his lip trying not to moan, not to cave.

But he didn’t care, after all.

He wanted for Kei to listen to him, to understand him, to need him like Hikaru needed him. But not right now.

Right now, he just needed to feel him.

He took him down to the hilt, trying to get some sound out of him and being rewarded with little of that; but still, Kei was close to his orgasm and, even though he managed to keep quiet, he could feel that. He knew that body too well not to know the signs.

He let him come in his mouth, and gave him a few minutes to recover.

When he saw his knees give out on him he brought an arm around his waist, letting him lay on the floor and getting on top of him.

“You’re beautiful, Kei.” he whispered, losing himself watching his face, still twisted by pleasure.

Again, silence. Again, Hikaru moved.

He brought quickly two fingers to his own mouth, not wasting any time, anxious to feel that body around him.

He slipped one inside of him, preparing him while he brought his mouth on him, trying to feel him even closer.

But Kei wasn’t with him right now.

His body was there, his uneven breath was there, but he wasn’t.

Trying not to think about it, he kept prepping quickly, until he deemed him ready; then he moved between his legs, pulling one of them up against his hip and looking at him.

“Kei...” he murmured, asking for confirmation.

The younger tilted his head on a side, closing his eyes, and he did the same.

He didn’t want to see that lack of expressions anymore, just enjoy the feeling of having him under himself once again, the one he had desired so bad during the past two weeks.

He thrusted inside, groaning, and he finally felt fine.

The effects of the alcohol seemed to have disappeared, and he felt that his mind was perfectly clear.

He felt the heat of Kei’s body, he felt his heavy breath, he felt him twitch around his cock.

He felt everything, and it was what he wanted.

He started pushing in, slowly.

He never opened his eyes and he didn’t say anything anymore, because if what the younger wanted was silence, at least he was going to grant him that.

His movements quickly became erratic, and he thrust deeper while he felt him get hard again between their bodies.

He stroked him fast, feeling close to the edge, and Kei came again in a few minutes, triggering Hikaru’s release as well, the elder coming deep inside his body with a chocked scream.

Then he kept still.

He propped himself up on his elbows so that he wouldn’t have weighed on him, and finally he opened his eyes.

He waited for something to happen; Kei’s eyes were open as well, but he wasn’t watching him.

Hikaru pulled out slowly, lying down next to him. And it was then that the younger turned toward him, and the look on his face told him nothing good.

“Go away, Hikaru.” he whispered.

The other gasped, as if his words had knocked the air out of his lungs.

“Why? Kei, please, I’ve told you... I can’t be without you. Please, let me stay. At least tonight.” he asked, begged, sitting him and trying to hug him once he had done the same.

But Inoo pushed him away. He wasn’t harsh, but for sure he was resolved.

“You’ve been close to me, right? You came here, even though I had asked you not to until you would’ve known what path to take. You’ve fucked me like I’m just a whore, and that’s how you made me feel.” he said, surprisingly calm. “There’s nothing else you can ask of me now, Hikaru. Go away.” he repeated, getting back on his feet and picking up his clothes, before walking toward the bedroom.

Hikaru felt like crying.

He wanted to beg, but he already knew it would’ve been pointless.

He got dressed, quickly. He went to the door, still hoping for Kei to stop him.

He stared at that apartment, as if it was the last time he would’ve gotten to see it.

It didn’t make him feel safe anymore.

It was too quiet.

He went out, taking along that love he still wasn’t good enough at expressing.

 


	5. Bokutachi no Ayamachi Toki ga Yurusu Nara (If time will forgive our mistakes)

“Where have you been?” Mitsuko’s voice was cold, it didn’t hide the tension felt in the past hours.

Hikaru sighed.

He had left Kei’s house at three a.m., and now it was five.

He had walked around Tokyo, this time truly aimlessly.

When he had started seeing the sky become cleared, tired and numb from the night’s cold, he had gone back home.

He knew what was waiting for him.

Not that he was ready for it, on the contrary, but he had no other place to go anymore.

“Out.” he said tiredly, with little hope she was going to let this go.

Mitsuko stood in front of him while he tried to reach the bedroom.

“Don’t think you’re getting off so easily. Do you have any idea of how worried I was?” she yelled, then stared at him, waiting.

Hikaru turned, taking his face in his hands and breathing deeply, trying to calm down.

When he looked at his wife again, he felt even more tired.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He couldn’t stand the lies, he couldn’t stand to look in those eyes and pretend everything was fine, feigning a love he couldn’t feel, pretending he was a man he had never been.

He looked straight in her eyes.

He saw the fear, the anxiety, the concern.

It was all he had always wanted to avoid, but he couldn’t go on much longer with it, and so he appealed to what little courage he had.

“I was with a guy with whom I’ve had a relationship for the past six months. I was with the man I love.”

 

~

 

Hikaru tried dialling the number.

It was cut off after a few rings.

It had been three weeks since the last time he had seen Kei, and the younger still refused to pick up the phone.

He had gotten used to it, by now.

That day he had also left the house he shared with Mitsuko, seeking refuge at Takaki’s place.

He had been glad that he had been there at least, that he had understood when he had explained the whole thing to him.

Mitsuko had been merciless.

She had said she felt sick just looking at him, that he was disgusting, that she didn’t want to see him ever again.

His parents hadn’t been more lenient.

He had seen his own blood slamming the door in his face, and he had remembered why he had lied for all those years.

They didn’t want to talk to him, see him, listen to his justifications.

Hikaru had spent his whole life feeling alone just because he had always hidden himself.

Revealing it had only added up to his loneliness, but somehow he was glad that at least now he didn’t have any weigh on his chest. He felt more free.

Free, yet still lacking the reason why he had decided to walk down that path.

He had sent Kei countless e-mails, he had called, and he hadn’t gotten anything from him.

During those days he had thought often about what had happened that night, about the way he had treating him, about his words and his glances, and every time it felt a little harder to still look at himself in the mirror.

He was the only one he had ever truly loved, and the way he had hurt him made him feel like less than a man.

It was true, he hadn’t respected his conditions.

It was true, he had treated him like a whore.

It was true, he had lashed out all his instincts on him, without wondering how he felt, and he had to admit that being ignored was even less than he deserved.

But he couldn’t give up, he was never going to.

Not until the thought of him would’ve kept tormenting him, not until he would’ve kept closing his eyes and feel him close, feel his skin against his own, that scent blending with his, that light breath, suiting him so much.

He missed every detail of him.

And his absence, he knew, was slowly going to kill him.

Yuya had noticed his bad mood, and he had also realized what was the reason behind it.

And, until that day, he had also went on as if nothing was happening.

He just asked how he was feeling, from time to time, but he was never too nosy.

That afternoon, nevertheless, he seemed to have reached his breaking point, and having gotten tired of seeing him wallow.

They had gotten home from work a little over half an hour before, and they had gotten on the couch to watch some TV.

Hikaru was staring at the tea cup in his hands, without drinking it.

Eating and drinking, lately, seemed to be incredibly hard for him.

Right then, seeing him like that, Yuya had lost it.

“You should go talk to him, you know?” he had said point blank, muting the TV and turning toward him.

Hikaru raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” he asked, pretending he didn’t know where this was going.

“With him, Hikaru. What’s the point of spending your days wallowing and waiting for him to answer your calls, knowing he won’t? Sole the issue and go to him. At least you’d get some peace like that, right?” he asked, practical.

Yaotome sighed.

He didn’t want to talk about it. Not with him, not with anyone.

He didn’t want to think about it at all.

He could’ve, that was true.

But he was afraid of rejection, he was afraid of having thrown in his face what had happened, he was afraid Kei was going to tell him it was over.

It was that damn fear, as usual, slamming doors in his face his whole life.

“If he doesn’t answer my calls, I don’t see why he should talk to me face to face.” he replied, and from the other’s look he realized he didn’t believe him in the slightest.

Sighing, Yuya went back to watch the TV.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.” he muttered, then he didn’t pay attention to him anymore.

Hikaru thought about it.

What did he have to lose now, after all?

He didn’t have a home to go back to, he didn’t have a family, there was nothing left for him.

All he could cling to now, was Kei .

For once, perhaps, he had been wrong.

There was nothing to be afraid of.

 

~

 

It was seven p.m., and it was already dark.

Hikaru had been in front of Inoo’s building for almost forty minutes, waiting for the younger to return.

He had rang a few times, but it was clear he wasn’t home.

He wasn’t going to give up just because of that.

It was raining, but he didn’t care.

He had leant against the wall next to the door, staring at the people walking by and waiting anxiously to see Kei’s face among them.

He was about to glimpse at the time once again, when he saw him.

Kei noticed him only when he was a few metres from the entrance; he froze, staring at him.

In the end, then, he took a deep breath and got closer.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice feigning indifference without much confidence.

Hikaru tried not to lose himself to those features and that voice, to put an order to his thoughts, to let him understand how he felt, because he knew this was his last chance.

“I’ve left Mitsuko. I’ve told her about us.” he said, straightforward, without wasting useless details about how much he had missed him.

“I know. I’ve read your e-mails.” Inoo replied, raising an eyebrow and waiting for him to say something else.

“You never replied.” Yaotome pointed out, almost ashamed, while he lowered his eyes on the ground. He felt pathetic.

But that didn’t matter either.

He had been pathetic for twenty years, and now the stakes were worth the feeling.

“Why should have I?” Kei asked, and Hikaru recognized more sadness than anger in his voice.

It seemed similar to his own, it seemed like the same melancholy, and that thought made him feel better.

“I know how wrong I was, Kei. I know how I made you feel, and I’m sorry. You were expecting something from me, you wanted me to be different, to act in another away, and I’ve disappointed you. I should’ve left Mitsuko straight away, I should’ve told her the truth, because I owed it to her and I owed it to myself. But...” he paused, biting his lip. “But now I’m here, and I’ve got nothing to lose except for you, and I’m asking you to give me a second chance. It’s all I want. I want to be next to you, show you that I can be better than the man you’ve seen these past months, try and make you happy, because it’s the only important thing now. That I love you, Kei, and nothing else matters.” he said, feeling dangerously close to tears.

Inoo kept staring at him for a few seconds, but it seemed like ages to the elder.

“You hurt me.” he said.

“I know.” Hikaru replied quickly, more than willing to admit all of his mistakes.

“I don’t want to feel like you made me that night, ever again. Like you’ve made me feel these past few months. As if I was a toy to play with in order to escape that part of your life you don’t like, but that you can’t get rid of.” he added, without looking him in the eyes.

“But I’m free now, Kei. And I am for you.” Yaotome could only say, holding his breath.

They stared at each other for a while, and he could read the doubt on Kei’s face, he could seem him think, deciding as to what was the right thing to do.

In the end, the younger got closer to the front door, taking out his keys.

“Come on in.” he murmured, and Hikaru followed him, on his face a smile he hadn’t known for weeks.

Once inside the apartment, Kei turned toward him, pressing a delicate kiss on his lips.

“I love you too, Hikka.” he whispered, and Hikaru didn’t say a thing, because there was nothing left to say.

The next day, he was sure, he would’ve managed to look at himself in the mirror again and see, after all those years, a happy man.

He was home, finally.

 


End file.
